Blue Origin Sticks the Landing, But Is Anyone Still Watching?
So, Blue Origin finally managed to land a rocket. Big deal. After years of hype and Bezos' billions, they've finally done what SpaceX has been doing in their sleep for, like, a decade? Color me unimpressed.
"We achieved full mission success today, and I am so proud of the team,” says Dave Limp, CEO, Blue Origin. Oh, really? "Full mission success"? Let's be real, the only mission they truly succeeded at was not blowing up on the launchpad this time. Give me a break.
And what was so important about this "full mission success" anyway? Oh, right, they launched some NASA satellites to Mars. Satellites that are going to take two years to get there. Seriously? My grandma could probably walk to Mars faster. Okay, maybe not, but you get my point. This ain't exactly warp speed.
The "Innovative" Trajectory That's Anything But
They're calling it an "innovative flight plan," this roundabout route to Mars. It's innovative alright, innovatively slow! Instead of going straight there, the ESCAPADE probes are taking a million-mile detour to "loiter" for almost a year. Loiter? That's what teenagers do in parking lots, not what spacecraft should be doing on their way to another planet.
And the reason for this scenic route? Apparently, it's so future missions can launch "nearly anytime" and just chill in space until the planets align. Okay, but hear me out: maybe, just maybe, we should figure out how to get to Mars directly instead of turning space into a giant cosmic waiting room?
Speaking of waiting, these ESCAPADE probes aren't even scheduled to arrive at Mars until September 2027. By then, I'll probably be living on Mars myself, thanks to SpaceX. Just kidding... probably.
Mars: Stripped Bare and Blown Away?
The actual mission itself sounds kinda depressing. Turns out Mars used to have a thick atmosphere and maybe even water, but the Sun just... kinda stole it all. So, these satellites are going to measure how the solar wind is still messing with what's left of the Martian atmosphere. Great. We're sending probes to watch a planet slowly die. Cheery stuff.
I mean, offcourse, this information is important for future manned missions. Gotta know how to protect our astronauts from getting solar-fried. But still, it feels like we're spending billions to study a cosmic tragedy.
And the probes themselves? "Low-budget satellites," costing a measly $107.4 million. A bargain, apparently. But still, that's more than I'll make in, like, a thousand lifetimes. According to NASA, Blue Origin Launch Two Spacecraft to Study Mars, Solar Wind, the ESCAPADE mission aims to understand how the solar wind strips away the Martian atmosphere.
Blue Origin's "Giant Leap" for... PR?
Let's not forget the real reason Blue Origin did this: to prove they can land a rocket. Which, again, SpaceX has been doing for ages. It’s like watching someone celebrate completing a toddler’s puzzle while another person is building a skyscraper. The booster was nicknamed "Never Tell Me The Odds." How about "Catching Up To The Competition"?
But hey, at least Bezos' mom has a landing ship named after her. That's... something.
So, What's the Real Story Here?
Blue Origin is still playing catch-up, and NASA's hitching a ride to get some cheap data. The Mars mission is interesting, I guess, but the real story here is that Blue Origin finally managed to do something that should've happened years ago. Wake me up when they actually innovate, instead of just imitating.